Reflective Parenting

Respond rather than react to your children

Are Parents Teaching Their Children Independence or Dependence?

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Hello All,

Today while I was driving, I was listening to a fascinating commentary on what university students today can do versus the university students of the 70’s.  Revealing information!  Coupled with that interview, I read a short article in this month’s “Readers Digest” on adult children returning home after receiving their degrees. Students today are very informed when it comes to technology.  No surprise there.  The report indicated that students today are far more knowledgeable about financial matters than those of us who graduated in the 70’s and 80’s.  I wish I had known more in my teens, my early twenties and thirties about financial matters such as investments and saving for retirement.  There seems to be a down-side, though, and that is that students have difficulty applying their knowledge of finances practically.

There is an increasing tendency for students to rely more and actually depend on their parents to help them further financially support their education as well as contributing substantially to help them buy cars and homes.  Home is becoming a place where adult children return home, expect all the privileges without taking on any or many of the responsibilities needed to keep a home running smoothly.  A surprising number of adult children don’t feel they need to pay their parents rent because they are saving to buy a house, etc.  The home they want to buy usually has to be “new” with all the accompanying pluses such as granite counter-tops, hardwood floors and up-t0-date appliances even though most admit they plan to eat out rather than cook,   In essence, they want the newest and the best.

And here’s another angle.  The radio commentary revealed that university students, unlike their counterparts in the 70’s and 80’s, flounder when they live in a university setting away from home.  Doing laundry, organizing their time, cooking, even boiling a egg are completely foreign and overwhelming tasks!

On a fairly regular basis I watch Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s show, Princess.  Gail is a well-recognized Canadian financial advisor and writer, known for her down-to-earth, blunt assessments and acerbic manner.  Most of the “princesses” are young 20 and 30 somethings who feel that their parents and others, usually friends, roomies and their significant others, “owe” them the life-style their parents have taken years to attain.  They pay for cell phones, cars (new ones!), condos (the best!), car insurance, etc.  Their children, often in entry-level jobs, are borrowing money from their parents or using their limited salaries to buy designer clothes, eat out, party hard and expensively and beauty (I never knew one could spend that much on manicures, tanning, pedicures, make-up and hair!) What’s happened here?  It’s fascinating to see how the parents of the “princesses” react.  The great majority of them realize that they had a significant part to play in how their adult behavior children are now coping or, well, not coping.  They have encouraged, with every good intention, their children’s sense of entitlement.  Many of them state that they wanted an easier life for their children than they had.  They soon realize they need to step back and watch their children struggle to develop life-skills that they needed to be encouraging all along.  Some of the characteristics the “princesses” and, I’m sure that includes “princes” as well include:

  • an absorption of self
  • a lack of empathy
  • a lack of gratitude
  • a sense of “I want it, and I’ll do what I have to get it (including “stealing” Mom’s credit card)”
  • an unrealistic view that, even with a degree, you don’t need to pay your “dues” when starting a job
  • a sense of entitlement
  • an unreliable work ethic and
  • little, if any, sense of the impact of their actions.

And, now the final question?  If the parents of the “princesses” had it to do over again, what would they do differently?  Would they prepare their children any differently?

I am interested in receiving responses to this post.  What are your experiences as parents?  Looking forward to your responses.

Best,

Judith

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Author: jude49

I help women experiencing the debilitating and painful effects of anxiety/panic find peace and independence. Anxiety can result in depression, low-esteem and increased stress. Trauma, parenting issues, family dysfunction, loss/death and body issues can lead to anxiety. Living a mindful life along with discarding and/or modifying negative patterns and traits in your family-of-origin make it possible to be your best self. My professional credentials along with my own experience with anxiety and depression make me uniquely qualified to help you. Don't suffer any longer! Contact me through my web-site at www.judithbarnard.com or e-mail me at judith@judithbarnard.com

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